7th grade ds Homer A Tale of Circe writing project

[Kim]

I would love some feedback on my son's writing project. We did Homer A last year up to week 16. After a summer break, we began again with Week 17. This is his first time doing an outline of Acts and Scenes followed by his rough draft. He enjoys Classical Writing but very sensitive to criticism and is a reluctant writer. He has not edited his rough draft yet. We will be doing that next week.

(Outline)

I. Intro: They sailed to Circe's island.

II. Main Body

Act 1. Odysseus' men are enchanted.
Scene 1. On third day, Odysseus saw smoke and sent men along with Eurylochus to go there.
Scene 2. Eurylochus went and they saw an enchantress.
Scene 3. Eurylochus stayed behind while the men went inside and Circe turned them into pigs.

Act 2. Odysseus rescues them.
Scene 1. Eurylochus told Odysseus everything.
Scene 2. Odysseus went to her home and she gave him a golden cup of wine.
Scene 3. Odysseus drew a sword and sprang at her. Then she treated him nicely.
Scene 4. Handmaidens brought food and wine. Odysseus told Circe to turn the men back into humans.
Scene 5. Circe turns them back.

III. Closing: They live on her island in friendship for a year, but wanted to return home, so she let us go, and told us of the dangers we would meet.


(1st Rough Draft and first time doing WP #5)

The Greeks then sailed the ocean until they came to Circe's island.

On the third day of their arrival, Odysseus saw smoke in the forest so he sent 22 men along with Eurylochus to explore.

Eurylochus went with his men, and finally came upon a palace where Circe, an enchantress lived.

The enchantress let them in, but Eurylochus stayed behind, and saw that Circe had turned the men into swine.

So he swiftly ran back to Odysseus and told him everything that happened. "Odysseus," he panted, "come quickly! An enchantress has turned your men into swine!"

So Odysseus armed himself with a sword and came to Circe's house, where she greeted him and gave him a golden cup of wine.

But Odysseus, seeing that she had cast a spell in the wine, drew his sword and sprang at her, so the frightened Circe, seeing that he was the legendary Odysseus, swore to him her allegiance.

Hand maidens then brought Odysseus food and wine, but he was sad because of what Circe did to his companions so she turned them back into humans.

So from that day on they lived on her island in friendship for a year, but then wanted to return to their homeland, so Circe told them of the dangers they would meet, and how to conquer them.

(End)


It appears from looking at the example in Homer on pg 316-320 that the Acts and Scenes don't have to do with formation of paragraphs. Am I understanding this correctly? Should he be combining his summary sentences into paragraphs however he thinks best to do so? And should he be amplifying the summary sentences in his rewrite? Or will that come in a later writing assignment?

I think he uses the word "so" too much in his writing. I also think he needs to combine sentences to make longer paragraphs. He is really good at substituting synonyms, grammatical changes, during rewrites. One other thing, he was excited to add the quote in this draft. I wasn't sure if this was acceptable since the story is considered a "nonfiction myth". But I also didn't want to discourage him from doing so since he actually seemed interested in the writing project and had the idea himself. Also, he only spent about 20 minutes on this rough draft. Does this seem reasonable? Is the length of the paper about right or should he have written more words? Any other feedback you could give is much appreciated. He is sensitive to criticism but not as sensitive as when he was younger. Yay!


Thank you,
Kim

[KathyWeitz]

Dear Kim,

Your son has done a fine job on this rough draft. When he does his final draft, I would have him divide it into paragraphs, and certainly work with him on combining sentences to avoid repeating "so" Make sure he knows that is part of editing, and the first draft is not expected to be grammatically or stylistically perfect. You could have him work on sentence combination in his six sentence shuffles if he needs practice as well. The quotation he used is fine for this assignment.

As far as the length goes, he did what the assignment asked with summary sentences. Depending on what you think will serve (and encourage) him best, you could have him add detail, or you could let this project be "done" and talk to him about additional detail in a future project. In any case, definitely affirm that he has done what the assignment required, and the editing process is just taking this great start and making it better. Always teach your students to EXPECT to edit - it is truly part of the writing project.

I hope this is helpful.

Kathy

[Kim]

Dear Kathy,

Thank you so much. Yes, this is very helpful! I'm so encouraged to see that he is on the right track with his summary sentences, etc.

Kim

[Kim]

Here is his edited draft. Thank you for the feedback. We are enjoying Classical Writing!


The Tale of Circe

The Greeks then sailed the ocean until they came to Circe’s island.

On the third day of their arrival, Odysseus saw smoke in the forest. Wanting to explore, he sent twenty-two men along with Eurelochus, Odysseus’ best soldier.

Eurelochus travelled with his men for hours in the hot sun, but finally stumbled upon a palace where Circe, an enchantress, lived. The enchantress invited them in, but Eurelochus stayed behind, not sure what she would do. Then he saw that Circe turned the men into swine, with a potion she mixed with the wine!

Swiftly he ran back to Odysseus, dodging trees and trunks along the way, and told him everything that had happened. “Odysseus,” he panted, “come quickly! An enchantress has turned your men into swine!”

Arming himself with a sword, Odysseus came to Circe’s house, where she greeted him and gave him a golden cup of wine. But Odysseus, sensing that she had cast a spell in the wine, drew his sword and leaped at her. The frightened Circe, seeing that he was the legendary Odysseus, swore to him her allegiance and commanded handmaidens to bring Odysseus food and wine. He was sad though because of what Circe had done to his companions, so Circe, seeing that he was troubled, turned the men back into humans and they were stronger than ever.

From that day on they lived on her island in friendship. But after a year had passed, they wanted to return to their homeland. To help them, Circe told them of the dangers they would meet, and how to conquer them.