Diogenes:Maxim Project 4

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Diogenes:Maxim Project 4

Postby audrey » Tue May 25, 2010 11:25 am

This is the writing project of my 13 Year old Daughter:

Avoid Temptation
Never Stop to Argue With Temptation
What does this mean? It is clear that this wise author is showing us that we are only drawn more into temptation by attempting to argue with it in the first place.
One who heeds this advice is more likely not succumb to temptation, therefore living a more pure life.
But one who did not regard this advice would most likely be drawn into temptation and grow corrupted.
In the same way when tempted to buy something, though you know that you are supposed to save the money, hesitating could lead to a wrong decision.
As an example, A Dog had learned to carry his master’s food to him daily. He was very faithful to this task, even though the enticing aroma wafting from inside the basket tempted him. The Dogs who lived in his region noticed he was carrying a basket and before had determined what it held. They tried to steal it on multiple occasions, but he protected it carefully. Then one day all of the Dogs in the area came together and met him on his way with the basket. He tried to run away, but finally stopped to argue. This was his great error, because when he did so they made him feel so utterly absurd that he dropped the basket from his mouth. He then snatched a large piece of the meat that was intended to be his master’s dinner. “Very well,” he said, “You may divide the rest.”
As said in Matthew 26: 41, “Watch and pray that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Temptation is a difficult thing to overcome, and the battle never truly ends. Just as an unknown author once said, “Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.”
audrey
 

Re: Diogenes:Maxim Project 4

Postby admin » Sat May 29, 2010 2:25 pm

Well done, and very much done in the spirit of the models she has been taught.

Let me make just a few comments.

>>>It is clear that this wise author is showing us ...>>>

She is writing in the spirit of the ancients, which is fine. If you feel that she is up to comments, ask her how it 'feels' to read a passage that says 'what this WISE author is telling us... etc'. My point being, yes, the ancients wrote like that and she copied the model which is fine, but modern readers (unless they are little children) feel patronized by that tone. So have her identify whom she is writing to, and discuss with her whether she wants to keep that tone or whether she wants to adapt a different tone.

In this part of the essay, we have tense and mood issues.

>>>
One who heeds this advice is more likely not succumb to temptation, therefore living a more pure life.
But one who did not regard this advice would most likely be drawn into temptation and grow corrupted.
>>>

1. she needs to decide whether to write in present or past tense ('heeds' or 'did regard') and use that tense consistently in the paragraph.
2. she needs to decide whether to write in the subjunctive ('would most likely') or in the indicative ('will most likely').

My recommendation to students on the paragraphs that discusses what 'one who needs the advice' or 'one who does not heed the advice' would do is to keep it in the subjunctive past tense because it removes it from certainty and leaves where it ought to be: in the realm of speculation.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
In other words, she could rewrite that paragraph as, "The person who would heed this advice would most likely not succumb, ... etc." And the other paragraph "But the one woul would not regard this advice, would most likely....".>>>>>>>>>>>>>


In the paragraph below we have a pronoun issue.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
In the same way when tempted to buy something, though you know that you are supposed to save the money, hesitating could lead to a wrong decision.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Her entire essay has used the pronoun 'one'. In this paragraph she moves to 'you', which feels like she is addressing the reader directly. It is a switch of tone. I would suggest either sticking with 'one' all the way through (which is very formal and a bit stifled, but fine for a formal essay) or with 'you' all the way through instead of 'one', but not both.


At any rate, thanks for sharing. She has done a good job with the assignment, and the comments I made above are comments that almost every student makes in terms of tone, tenses, and pronoun use, things she can easily change once she is made away of them.

Lene
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