The Lion and the Mouse--Feedback please

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The Lion and the Mouse--Feedback please

Postby Sweet Tea » Fri May 11, 2012 4:29 am

This is my 9 year old daughter's final copy on the Lion and the Mouse from Aesop A. Some of her formatting was lost when I cut and paste it in.The feedback is more for me -- What should I be encouraging more of in her work?


Once when a Lion was asleep, a little Mouse began running up and down upon him. This action soon wakened the Lion, and he placed his huge paw upon the Mouse and opened his big jaws to swallow the little creature. “Pardon O King,” squeaked the little Mouse. “Forgive me this time. Perhaps I may be able to do you a turn one of these days?” The Lion was so tickled at the idea of the Mouse being able to help him that he lifted up his paw and let the small animal scurry into the forest.

Some time after, the Lion was captured in a trap. “Now that he is in the trap, let’s go get a wagon and carry him alive to the king,” hollered the hunters gleefully. Then they tied him to a tree and left in search of a wagon. As soon as the hunters had gone, the Lion began roaring furiously, and the roar echoed through the forest. Hearing the Lion’s loud roars, the little mouse scampered toward the tree where the Lion was tied. Seeing the sad plight in which the Lion was in, the tiny animal went up the huge creature, and soon gnawed away the ropes that bound the King of Beasts. “Was I not right?” inquired the little Mouse.

Little friends may prove great friends.
Sweet Tea
 
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Re: The Lion and the Mouse--Feedback please

Postby admin » Fri May 11, 2012 10:18 am

Thank you for sharing this writing project. Your daughter writes well.

I would work on style at this point. Is she writing a personal story where you get to know the characters, or is she writing a 'Once upon a time' fable.

If the latter, the style needs to be simple. If the first, get a little more personal.

Examples: If it is just a simple narrative, like Aesop's, that she is imitating. Keep the once upon a time 'feel' and stick to action and less description. I.e. start "There once was a lion, who ...." and then the account is mostly factual, and the persona of Lion and Mouse are known through their stereotypes, which need no additional motivational descriptors.

If she chooses to make this a personal narrative, she would start more lke "The Lion, the mighty King of the Beasts was asleep for his noonday nap, when suddenly an annoying little mouse ran across his huge belly...." or some such.

Just a few ideas,

Lene
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