Homer B Trial of the Bow

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Homer B Trial of the Bow

Postby Kim » Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:29 pm

Here is ds 13 first draft with a bit of editing. I haven't gone through it with him yet to do another edit (which is what we typically do) because Christmas Break begins next week and I am thinking I will just move on to the next WP. However I would appreciate feedback on his writing, areas you think he needs to work on, if you see a problem area, etc. Then I can focus on those areas when we do the next WP.

He rearranged and chose which scene to begin with entirely on his own without any guidance from me. I would have chosen a different scene. However, he is sensitive to criticism and I didn't want to discourage him from the exercise so I let it be. Also, he mentioned to me that he knows he has too many subject openers. But we ran out of time and now we are on Christmas Break and celebrating no school! :)

The Trial of the Bow

Ulysses took the bow and studied it to make sure nothing was broken, and the men mocked him for doing so. But then when he had found it wasn’t damaged, he took an arrow, placed it on the string, and bent it back. Next, he studied the target, and WHAM! The arrow stuck in the bullseye.

Earlier that evening, Penelopé’s suitors, coming to try to win her hand in marriage, had sat down, ready for breakfast, and the servants had given Ulysses a full meal, as Telemachus had bidden. When Ctesippus had seen this, he had been outraged with jealousy, and had thrown a bullock’s foot at full speed towards Ulysses. He quickly dodged it though, but Telemachus, seeing what had almost happened, stated, “Good thing you missed, other wise my spear would have been heading in your direction!”

Seeing there was an argument on its way, one of the suitors had replied, “It is all very wrong indeed to fight at Telemachus’ table, yet we must get his mother to choose which one of us she shall marry.”

“My mother will marry who she wants to,” answered Telemachus, “but I will never force her to leave this house.”

Then the whole place had started to dim, and another one of the suitors said, “This stranger brings bad luck with him. Let’s send him away, for the whole house seems to be darkening with his very presence.”

By this time Penelopé had fetched the great bow of Ulysses. She sobbed over it for a while, but then she carried it to the hall where they were feasting, and challenged, “You, who come and pretend you want to marry me, look here; if you can pull back this bow and hit a certain target, he I will marry, and leave this house forever.”

So Telemachus set the target, and though he himself could hit it, Ulysses signed to him secretly not to try, so he made an excuse and said, “I am too young and not at my full strength. You that are older than me go first.”

Then a certain priest, Leiodes, tried to bend the bow, but he could not. “I cannot use this bow, and I fear it will bring upon me to this day grief and shame,” he said shaking his head.

But then Antonioüs encouraged him, “Why do you say such words? Do not give up!” and than Antonioüs told the goat herd to get a roll of fat from the kitchen, so that they could rub it on the string to soften it, but even still they could not use it. Finally only two men were left: Antonioüs and Eurymachus, the strongest of all.

Eurymachus had tried warming the bow at the fire, in an attempt to make it pliable, but he also could not bend it.

“I give up. There are more women out there I can marry, but the shameful thing is that this proves we are weaker than Ulysses.”

“No, do not quit,” Antonioüs encouraged again, “we will try tomorrow, but first we will sacrifice to the god of archery.”

They were all very excited at this, feeling eager to try tomorrow, but that was when Ulysses had stated he wanted to try the bow, to see if he still had the strength he had when he was young. They were all very angry, but then Telemachus argued, “This is my bow, and if I want a visitor to try it, I will let him, but Mother, go inside with your maids to let the men straighten this out.”

She listened, and then he gave it to the swineherd to deliver it to Ulysses.

Ulysses had succeeded, and so with the sun setting, he called Telemachus and said, “Come, join me; there is yet another feast to be had before dawn.



Thank you for your feedback. We are really (me too!) learning so much from Classical Writing. My son's writing has greatly improved in the last few years using this program.
Kim
 
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Joined: Fri Sep 09, 2011 3:59 pm

Re: Homer B Trial of the Bow

Postby KathyWeitz » Sat Dec 17, 2011 9:48 am

I think your son did a nice job on this! Regarding the opening scene, the one he picked is fine, although his transition to the next scene is a little abrupt and leaves the reader wondering what the target was. Perhaps a different opening scene might generate a little more interest and give the reader more clarity. Given your understanding of your son's sensitivity, it is fine to leave this one as is, but when you do the next in media res project, discuss options with him for which scene he might open with, and what the effect of each would be, and then how to transition into the following scene. Gentle guidance like this is often best. At some point, I usually like to have my students revisit old projects and make improvements to them. You might make a mental note that you could bring it back up for discussion if you do that with this project.

Otherwise, his sentence structure is sound, and his word choices are good. There are a few missing commas and minor punctuation errors, but nothing major.

Thanks for sharing this with us!

Kathy
Kathy Weitz
kathy@classicalwriting.com
www.classicalwritingtutorials.com
KathyWeitz
 
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Re: Homer B Trial of the Bow

Postby Kim » Sun Dec 18, 2011 6:03 pm

Thank you so much for the speedy reply and the feedback! I so appreciate that second pair of eyes to help me evaluate how my son is doing. Good idea. I think we will revisit this one later on when it isn't so fresh in his mind and after he has gone further in Homer B.

Kim
Kim
 
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Joined: Fri Sep 09, 2011 3:59 pm


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